“I will cook for you.” I threatened
You Might Also Like
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?