[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
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I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.