Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
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“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.