Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
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A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
this is the news I live for
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium