I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
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Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with