I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
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Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
me when the borders lift
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?