Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
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Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.