Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
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*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.