“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
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“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out