I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
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[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
peep davidson
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I’M CRYINGGG
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…