oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
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Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,