Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
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If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?