Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
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MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Go girl power!
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying