Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves