There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
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My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
sleeping beauty
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Thank you corporation very cool
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school