[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
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Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
when you are just born a rebel
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I cannot call her anything else now
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Seems legit
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers