[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
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My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
grotesque if literal: baby food
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone