ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
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He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *