Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
You Might Also Like
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
this is the news I live for
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.