THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!