them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
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“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Noah
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.