guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
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Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty