Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
You Might Also Like
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat