Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
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All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.