Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
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My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.