If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
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ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.