I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
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Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
This is so me 😂😂
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time