11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
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“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.