I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
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Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?