Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
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“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
#StillHurts
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
want me to check your oil?
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
😂😂
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.