Noted.
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The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing