someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
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had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.