Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
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[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.