I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
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Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life