“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
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In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Friends that check up on you >
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL