true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
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Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
haha same
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.