[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
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wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*