“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
You Might Also Like
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.