Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
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12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Have a lovely day 😊
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”