Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
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[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
“Great, now I have to pee.”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Hank is one in a melon.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
mechanics be like
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Roadkill is just a goth zoo