If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
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*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
this is 10/10 content no notes
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Yup!