A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
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My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu