Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
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*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Coffee is ready.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football