They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.