I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
You Might Also Like
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”