Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
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I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
how was your vacation
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct