formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
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Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
giddy up Office Depot
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.