God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
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The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh