Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
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Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
This why you should mind your business
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.