Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
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87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it